“Home, where my thought’s escapin’
Home, where my music’s playin’
Home, where my love lies waitin’
Silently for me…”
~Simon and Garfunkle
Home is where you belong. I read that somewhere, or heard it in a movie, or someone said it to me once upon a time, and it got stuck in my subconscious. I don’t know where it came from, but I’m going to steal it and use it here. Home is where you belong. I like it. It’s as good a definition for “home” as you’re likely to find.
I’ve never really belonged anywhere. I’ve never fit in anywhere. Not with my family, not with any of my friends, and not anywhere I’ve ever lived. No matter where I was, or who I was with, I’ve always felt like I was on the outside of humanity, looking in. I have always been an observer in life. Never a participant. Well, that’s not exactly true. I have participated in some things, with some people, but I always felt like an imposter. I have always felt like if they knew who I really was, they’d kick me out. Imposter syndrome, I think it’s called. Or maybe that’s just specifically for professional and educational achievements.
For a while, I thought home could be found in another person. First with my marriage, and then by becoming a parent, and through several failed relationships after that. Even with friendships, I thought that if I could just find a sister or a brother or two, that their home would somehow include me, too. I’ve finally learned that it doesn’t work that way. You can’t just insert yourself into someone else’s home…no matter how much they love you or how much you love them. Home is something you have to build for yourself.
I’ve always accepted the truth about me from others. I’ve let people mold me and shape me. I’ve given away all my power to teachers, guides, lovers, and friends. Instead of listening to myself, and being myself, I became whoever people wanted me to be. It’s no wonder I’ve always felt lost, and never felt comfortable in any place that might have been home.
I went out searching for answers, even though I wasn’t aware of what I was doing. I came home looking for answers, even though I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing, either. The blessing of covid is that I have spent a lot of time in isolation, and in isolation, I have found some of the answers. More importantly, the forced introspection has helped me grow more than I’ve ever grown before. Now, I know what all the self-help gurus and spiritual teachings mean when they say things like, “the answers are all within you” or however they phrase it. I’ve got to learn to start being myself, listening to myself, and trusting myself. The time for people pleasing and putting myself second is over. The time to build a home for myself, within myself, has come.