Jay Schryer

As I lie in bed, the light of the full moon bathes me in a soft and warm embrace. I reach up to pull the blinds apart, and I see her gazing lovingly down on me. She comforts me in a way that nothing else in this world can, bringing me peace and comfort in troubled times, and a warmth to my soul when the air around me is so cold.

It is a time of deep contemplation and exploration. I have come to realize that, for the past few years, I have been going through this midlife “thing.” I suppose that it could have been called a crisis up until these past few days, but only because I had no clue what was going on, or how to deal with it. Now that I’ve come to understand what has been happening, I’m rather enjoying it.

Quietly observing the shedding of my persona, and the emergence of my shadow, has been fascinating to say the least. Seeing all the things that have been hidden inside my unconsciousness, and learning to accept them as an integral part of myself, has been more rewarding and “enlightening” than anything else I’ve ever experienced before. I’m saying things and doing things that I never would have dared before, and it’s liberating. Liberating, but not always easy.

Anyone who has followed my journey these past few years has been well aware of the difficulties I’ve faced. At least some of them. Others have remained private, too painful to share with anyone except my closest friends. I’ve lost important friendships, and I’ve had to cut important people out of my life. There have been many tears, and much frustration. I’m sure there’s even more to come in the years ahead. I also know that this isn’t a straight-forward process that can be easily navigated. It’s not a “once and then you’re done” quick fix, but rather a cyclical process that takes place over an entire lifetime. My hope is that, now that I am aware of it, I can continue to enjoy the process as it plays out in my life.

Increased awareness leads to decreased struggle.

Love Always,

Jay

The hills are alive. Not with the sound of music (thank goddess), but with greenery. I’ve been living in Simi Valley for about 8 months now, and the surrounding hillsides have been brown and decayed this whole time. That changed last week, when it rained for three straight days, and the hills sprang into life.

In Northern California, the same storm system dumped more rain than needed, causing flooding and mudslides. Although not as damaging as hurricanes or earthquakes, too much rain is as big a problem as too little rain.

With too little rain, the natural environment dries up, and death and decay set in. With too much rain, the natural environment drowns in the overflow, and death and decay set in.

How very much like us.

Too little nourishment (touch, affection, love, laughter, contact, conversation, food, water, shelter) and we dry up, becoming fragile and brittle as our spirit slowly fades away. Too much nourishment, and we become bloated; drowning and suffocating under an over-abundance of riches. Too little contact, and we suffer from loneliness, separation anxiety, and a feeling of disconnectedness. Too much contact, and we suffer from excess noise, frustration, aggravation, and a feeling of being rubbed raw and left unprotected; vulnerable.

In all areas of your life, I wish for you to have enough, without having too much. May you always have exactly what you need, when you need it the most. May you experience neither drought nor flooding, and may your garden grow lush with fragrant flowers and a bountiful harvest.

As for myself, I wish it would rain down…

Love Always,

Jay

I have nothing to say, but the compulsion to write is overwhelming, and so I sit here and stare at the blank screen, hoping inspiration will strike before compulsion turns to madness. I read The Soul’s Code by James Hillman last year, and it has taken me this long to digest his words. I’m still not sure I understood everything, and I have largely forgotten even the parts I did understand, but I know that he talked about the soul’s purpose, and how it can drive a person insane if that purpose is denied.

And so I write, to satisfy the hunger, even if I have nothing to say.

The barista has a crush on me. She’s impossibly young, though, and so I smile politely and tip her well. Oh, honey. You are so very cute, and if I were 15 years younger, and maybe a hundred years less-jaded, then maybe…just maybe….

School is hard. Much harder than I ever thought it could be. I have talked myself into quitting (and not quitting) a thousand times already. I know that I will regret it if I quit, though, and so I stay. As long as they’ll let me stay…I’ll stay. I still have no idea where this path leads, but I am enjoying the scenery along the way. There are no other paths that look as alluring as this one, and so I walk it in gratitude.

I purchased another domain, and moved all of my fantasy fiction over there. It’s not ready to go “live” yet, and so I’m not providing a link. I only bring this up because some of you have asked about it. No, I haven’t quit writing; I haven’t given up on that particular dream. It’s just….hibernating at the moment.

Oh, and if you ever subscribed to this site, you’ll have to re-subscribe (if you want). I’m sorry to be a pain in the ass, but I switched to a different subscription method, and I lost all my subscribers. Oops.

And speaking of hibernating dreams, I’m going to start playing with another band. I am simultaneously thrilled and scared to death. So much of my shadow is wrapped up in my music. Largely, I have only been able to become the man I am today because I walked away from music. It was impossible for me to be a “good” man *and* a musician. Not that it’s impossible for everyone, just that it was impossible for me. However, I am older now, and wiser, and so perhaps it is time to integrate that part of my personality into my persona. I am so very, very scared though.

There is an overabundance of people in my life who are only nice to me when they want something. I keep looking for the lesson, but cannot find it. Is it because I treat people that way? I try not to do that, but I do know that I have a tendency to reach out only when I am feeling vulnerable or lost. When things are good with me, I just assume that they are good with everyone else, and so I don’t feel the need to connect. So, perhaps I am only seeing my own reflection in my relationships.

Or maybe I just need more practice saying “no.” More putting myself first and all that jazz.

Still, it hurts to have someone ask me for money, and then disappear when I need help. Or, they ask for money and then send me a hate-filled email the next night.

But then again, neither of those incidents involved “real” friends, both were exes. I keep telling myself that I am better off without them, and I swear that I’ll never have anything to do with them…but then I get lonely, and I forget. If you ever want a great mindfuck, try being in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with someone the rest of the world thinks is a saint. Guaranteed to make you question everything you’ve ever believed about anything.

So that’s the real reason I just smile at the barista. I don’t trust myself to make good relationship decisions, and so it’s better that I remain alone, even if I am painfully lonely. Better to be alone than to let another wrong person into my life where they can wreak havoc.

“…and it’s sad when you know it’s your heart you can’t trust…” ~Patti Smith

Love Always,

Jay